 |
| A smooth criminal. |
I play Chopin, I play Grieg.
Tchaikovsky is my favorite.
The 1812 Overture specifically.
Yesterday, the guard walked up during my favorite part. Forgive me, I am not permitted to play anymore, but I always imagine the sounds, the beautiful build up and the mesmerizing, audible constructs united with this story of suspense! A story told through notes; a story told from one ivory key so swiftly to the next to the next to another!
A story told through a crescendo.
You see, I was taught by our Godly man, but he was never my favorite tutor. He was the one who brought us here, I know it! Well, he did not transport us here physically, but he is why we are here! He brought us to this fate! He brought our family to shame! Olga and I were weary of him, but I showed him no fear so neither did she.
In our happier days, however, we would wake up, bright and early; I would never allow myself to waste a day! Here, though, it is our fate. They force us to waste our days and it is a life worth naught. A day wasted is a day forgotten, and we never know who may steal it from us, for there are many! So many now who will steal it from us!
I would never do that to someone.
I would never, ever do that to someone.
We have done nothing wrong. We have done nothing of damage. We have done nothing of evil! Our Godly man did though, yet I have never lost faith.
But yesterday, I missed the sweet fresh air so badly, I wandered out for a moment. It was my birthday last month, and I turned 17.
I was given nothing.
A month later I am not allowed to breathe true air for a moment at my leisure? I am 17 years old.
I am 17 years old.
How sweet it was. How sweet it was! It’s as though my guard knows when I’m happy, he knows! So I hide it from him, but yesterday I simply could not.
And he shot. His aim was not to kill me, though, it was to scare me. But I show him no fear, and I showed him none yesterday!
None.
I did not run back inside, I walked. The brave walk, we do not run away from a monster. We face it. We do not give them a feeling we do not want to give. They somehow manage to steal it from us though. Yesterday, it was fear he wanted and I would not give it. I would not.
And I will never.
But I walked back in. Not out of fear from him, but from fear of the thought of my family returning and seeing my lifeless body. That, I fear. Not him. Never him. I love my family enough to produce fear for them. Only them.
My family was doing the bidding of our captors -- oh, how I pray for my sweet little Alexei! He is not well, yet they do this to him. I was told to stay back yesterday as I am told the same today -- to stay. My family is not with me, but they are in the quarters. I hope to see them soon! I pray they do not worry for me!
But yesterday, I walked. Walked back into the apartment, the one I share now with my entire family. It consists of two rooms: a living room, and a quaint adjoined bedroom! Our parents sleep there, but my sisters, my brother, and myself sleep on the floor in here! It really is not bad -- we have some sweet little blankets, so I am grateful! But yesterday, I walked back in and sat in the chair by the living room window, not the one at the table, as I usually do. The one at the window has such a graceful view of the little garden, and I just could not help myself. I love that garden so!
But in this living room space, you see, we were given a little raggy carpet, it is actually quite sweet! It sits underneath an oak table, and when I am permitted, I write and I write and I write all my thoughts over it! As I do now! Of course, with the pieces of fine paper and the silver pen I hid in my cloak when they took us from home. I hope that the guards do not find these articles; they are all that give me life now.
As I sit here now, though, writing, I have learned my lesson. But yesterday, I was sitting in that chair, after I walked back in, the chair in front of our little window! Of course he saw my happiness! A happiness he hates! But I closed my eyes and it is simply wonderful what an imagination can do because, before I knew it, I was sitting in front of my glorious, grand piano -- the one MaMa gave me when I turned 6. And I began to play.
I began to play Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. My favorite of them all!
I do not need sheet music anymore, but I can see the Treble Clef and my heart, my mind, and my soul lead me to the rest. To the build ups, to the climaxes!
To the crescendos!
As I hit the first crescendo, I could hear foot steps. But I did not want to stop! I kept my eyes closed! Louder and louder the steps became, and louder and louder my crescendo!
The door was slammed open, and I stopped playing.
I stopped playing. Nothing ever made me stop playing.
But I stopped.
It was not out of fear, mind you! It was out of the hope that my family had returned!
But I saw that gruesome, despicable face! The one that looked at me right before he shot! Those were his footsteps!
I was not afraid. I was not. It was the amount of fear I would show our evil Godly man, which is equivalent to none! That is the only reason he was in our lives -- to prepare me for this! But a darkness crept over me. It is natural as you stare evil directly into the face -- as evil creeps over you, you want to fly away, fly so far away!!
I ran under the table. He could see that I was not able to overcome his strength! Not for a moment! He crept over -- with those hideous footsteps! So I ran into the bedroom -- but I had nowhere to fly, to flee! And he struck me! But I have always been strong! May God have mercy on this man’s soul if he did the same to my sweet Alexei!
And he struck me and pulled me and dragged me to the other room before my sweet little table, and threw me against its wooden molding -- leaving no mark of my body thrown against it, aside from a gash on my forehead and the visible blood stains that have now seeped through the raggy carpet. My last memory of those moments are a blur, but I seem to recall the other guards running in through the outway of the garden immediately after!
To save me? I know not, for they have all done everything to ruin me! But I woke up to one of them breathing new life into me, my lips against his! I do not know of this procedure, but I learned that it worked as he pumped my chest! And now I am alive again.
Resuscitation.
I am alive.
He demanded the other guards to clear the area immediately! He turned to me and asked,
“My Ana, my Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?”
I told him that I have never shown fear. I do not today, and I will not tomorrow.
I am okay, and I will be for eternity. I do not show fear for those who do not deserve my being afraid.
For I am the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia.
And I survived,
not because I am unafraid,
but because I am fearless.
