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| -Sex and the City |
This morning, I had a thought. As a matter of fact, I had several.The trigger of my intense, early-hour session of contemplation stems from a late night conversation I had with an unlikely friend only hours ago. We were, to put it bluntly, discussing relationships pasts, flings, and important people in our lives who’ve really taught us about ourselves, love, and, of course, commitment. It really got me thinking that, although once I’m done with someone I’m done, I really appreciate having these short-lived, relationship experiences. You see, though I’ve been hurt - some would say badly screwed over by certain people (not naming names!) - I couldn’t be more appreciative of the influence they’ve had on me. I’ve learned so much over the years and, one issue I’m very proud to say I’ve overcome, is the fact that I used to like boys who didn’t like me. I was attracted to a challenge, to boys who were, in so many ways, mysterious, “bad,” and intriguingly elusive.
Okay, I’m not gonna lie- there’s still a little part of me who will always love a bad boy, but there are people out there who have the perfect combination of mystery and good manners. Especially in college, it felt good being the girl who these enigmatic men loved because, foolishly, you think you can change them. News flash: you can’t. You can’t change a guy who is hardwired to want every girl he sees. Though you may be his Number 1, you may not be his only one- big difference.
I’ve really been hurt by guys who I thought genuinely cared about me. And, though there were “connections,” mutual feelings, and sincere attachments on both ends, all of it’s bullshit if there isn’t full commitment, especially from the guy. I really don’t have a problem committing, and I know this is different for many girls, but in the relationships I’ve personally had (not that I’ve ever been in a super serious one), it was often the male who was weary to commit. This would leave me feeling like I didn’t deserve a guy who would take care of me, treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or even make me feel protected. So, for years, that’s the type of guy I sought.
I’ve come to discover that the pain really isn’t worth it. I’m not gonna be dumb about relationships anymore, because it’ll just discount all those little scratches, bruises, and band-aids on my heart that have, sadly, accumulated. Life’s too short to be unhappy, and I’m done with boys who think they can walk all over me. I’m done and I refuse to go back to any of them. I'm in a really good place right now, and I don't wanna leave. (I think it's called happiness...)
Anyway, I would often wonder - Who are you to treat human beings like that? Who are you to leave, thinking that I’ll be here when you come back? Who are you to think you can live a life somewhere, and I’ll wait up? I’m finished pondering these questions, so I deserve someone who would never make me feel compelled to ask them. I’ve been through so much in the past 22 years, and relationships are supposed to feel good. We all want the whole package, we deserve happiness, and we deserve joy - at least I know I do...
The closest I came to a true relationship was last year and I felt many of your sentiments toward how everything played out. I was fully ready to commit and she was wavering on the whole situation. It did not feel good. Hence why I've put all that relationship stuff on the back burner until I truly get my life the way I want it: stable.
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