A Gilded Page from a Royal Diary

August 31, 1997

Pont de l'Alma in Paris

There is still nothing worse than a broken heart. Not just from men, but from the swarms of bees, lies, and deceit that life releases - never faltering to break your heart. I have been there. I have been broken and I have been shattered. Why won’t it stop? Why cannot life just be normal? Why can’t I be normal?

I know what people say about me - about my persona. I can read body language, minds even. I really do have an unbelievable ability to observe. My people watching skills are magnificent and I can interpret a thought simply by the way a girl may flip her hair, by the way my sons looks up at the ceiling, or by the way a man might look at me. 

Everyone thinks I am incredibly dull, some would even refer to me as silly, frivolous, and stupid, which I understand. He thinks I’m stupid. He thinks I’m rather stupid and I am hesitant to go out tonight because I’m afraid I might say something ridiculously stupid. I hate that word. I used to hate seeing him because, like I said, I know what he thinks about me before he says anything. I knew the type of person he was without knowing him at all. I knew him, yet he was so distant. I know what he thinks of me. I know the good, I know the bad, and I know the disturbingly yet undeniable ugly. 

The truth hurts. It can pierce with a sting so sharp causing someone as seemingly grandiose as myself to remain in bed for days. But sometimes the truth is also beautiful. The truth is a captivating illustration of who we are, maybe that’s why I’m so afraid to look at my truth - to look at my mind-numbing insecurities and tell them to go away. Far away. My inability to face the reality of who I am has caused me, not only to overlook my faults, but my strengths, as well. We must all be careful, however, to know when others, - maybe a best friend, maybe a brother, maybe a sister - are criticizing us and guising their judgments as truth, out of their personal uncertainties, using their targets as a disgusting, selfish outlet to alleviate their envy, jealousy, and hate.

I trust his judgment though. He loves me. He loves me so much. He would never abuse the hold he has on me. He will tell me what he thinks, but never wantonly. He does love me. He loves me so much it’s overwhelming at times, because I can feel it even when he’s not directly next to me- I can feel his deep love and longing for me from Egypt to Saudi Arabia, from London to Paris, and from the movie set to the department store on Brompton Road. 

He sees me for who I am: a woman with a big, breakable heart - who loves too much. Not solely in the romantic sense, but I would give my soul to the world, which, in many ways, I already have. I have given it to my friends, my boys, and those who genuinely need me - all at the expense of my happiness, my needs, and my satisfaction. You see, I’m not very much different from any woman in this world. We’re raised to be selfless, loving, pure creatures, yet we may be the least pure of them all. Wouldn’t you agree that unhappiness is a poison? Then maybe one would understand why I am already deeply corroded.

I am surrounded by an abundance of blessings, an unlimited supply of adoration and regard, yet none of this matters in the life of a woman with a broken heart - with a broken spirit. One may deem me ungrateful, but I can assure you that I may be the least ungrateful of them all. Why would I sacrifice a life of happiness for this one? For one that I get spiritually beaten, emotionally bruised, ridiculed and tormented everyday? Because I’m ungrateful? No. It is simply because I am too grateful for this life, the life that has been bestowed on me, that I have abandoned one in which pure happiness was possible. I have come to discover that no matter how difficult life is, however, if a woman has someone to love, and someone who reciprocates this love, then she will be fine. She will gallantly survive, persevere, and persist. Though happiness will never permanently remain in my life, it is present within a fraction of it and, through the loyalty, love, respect and immeasurable affection from my family, friends, and following, I have strength. 

I know not how long I may remain on this earth, but I am certain that I will live, and continue to live, for the benefit of others over myself. Who are we if not guardian angels  for our fellow brothers and sisters? I am The People’s Princess, and I am the people’s princess, just as any woman, girl, or lady has the potential to be. 

I’m obliged, even willing, to disregard what I want and what I need for those I most humbly protect and serve, and those who most graciously offer me the privilege to do so, yet, after all, even with this, with this glorious life, with this sublime reality, with this unfathomable atmosphere of incomprehensible wealth, there is still nothing worse than a broken heart...Nothing at all.