Toxic Waste: Why Do People Dump It On Us?

Two characters, Othello (left) and Iago (right), from one of my favorite plays Othello by William Shakespeare.
Othello and Iago offer a rather unique illustration of human nature, as do many Shakespearean characters. Iago remains a much more static character throughout the work, especially in regard to his toxic and malicious behavior. Othello, however, is much more dynamic, initially displaying qualities of honor, nobility, and grace. While the relationship between Othello and Iago grows, the dynamic nature of Othello's character becomes more apparent. Specifically, as Iago remains just as malicious, envious, jealous, and malevolent as he is in the beginning of the play, Othello transforms from a beloved and endearing character into a jealous and possessive one. This considerable transformation experienced by Othello is, without doubt, due to the pernicious, damaging, and destructive nature of Iago, who toxically poisoned Othello's pure heart during their so-called friendship. Through these characters, Shakespeare inadvertently warns his audience, readers, and admirers of the detriments of keeping toxic people in one's life. You cannot change them and they will only bring you down. Even if you have an inkling that someone is truly awful, go with your gut and keep this individual at a distance. Bill Shakespeare would be proud :)

"You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance. You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change, but if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."

I just discovered this quote on the illustrious world wide web, and it really gave me some comforting perspective on the people who I have chosen to remove from my life, or even those who have chosen to remove me from theirs. You see, I can admit that I'm not a perfect person - I truly make an effort to own my mistakes and apologize if I have genuinely hurt someone I care about - but one aspect of myself that I know is certain is that I am not, nor will I ever be, a toxic person.

My definition of someone who is genuinely toxic is an individual who is so, wholeheartedly disconnected from reality, causing said individual to have a skewed understanding of the truth which, in turn, often causes grave hurt to either a best friend, a group of people, or even a relative, to name a few. They often aim to justify their spiteful opinions, malicious actions, and poisonous words through arbitrary claims, citing that the victim is "too sensitive," "crazy, or "overreactive." No matter what these toxic people say, they attempt to prove that the victim or victims are somehow deserving of such treatment - making it okay. 

In addition, especially when it comes to male-female relations, we often see an incredible disrespect for each other's boundaries. I have had friends who break up, for example, and it is made clear by at least one of the parties that a future between them will never occur, either because the toxic individual cheated, emotionally hurt the other consistently, or even blatantly disregarded anybody but themselves in the relationship. Yet, hypothetically speaking, the toxic "other half" will persistently and emotionally harass the other. 

We have all, at some point in our lives, hurt someone else. It's a part of growing up and it's a part of being human. None of us are perfect, but if you know you have genuinely hurt someone, reflect on it a little - and apologize. Take accountability. Knowing how and when to apologize is a sign of incredible strength. Knowing when to back off is also another admirable sign of strength and respecting another's space, though it may be difficult- even if it is someone you care for, is equally as commendable. Toxic people are weak, deluded, and poisonous. Allowing people like this into your life is so detrimental to your own state of mind- as they implicitly influence you to engage in similar behavior. If, however, you are not a toxic person, you'll know in your heart when it is time to cut someone out of your life. 

Never allow anyone to make you feel smaller than you are, and never allow anyone to hoist and selfishly lift themselves up at your expense. Stick up for yourself, let go, and move on, because, more often than not, they will never change. Or, if the tables are turned, and someone has made a clear boundary toward you, and is hesitant to allow you into his/her life- just respect it. That's the best you can do. Even though it might hurt and feel a little humiliating, don't make the situation as worse as a toxic person would in similar circumstances. It's all about respect- an attribute that those with a toxic mind lack. Just as we have all hurt others at some point in our lives, we have also experienced rejection, denial, and degradation from others - another aspect of being human. However, the toxic show no curtesy, no humility, and no remorse during such experiences, failing to respect boundaries and failing to respect someone's constructive opinion of their toxic behavior, which, of course, causes them to neglect extending an apology to anyone who might deserve it and, in turn, causes them to refrain from taking true accountability for the hurt they might have caused. It's easy to say that you did something wrong, but it's not really taking accountability if one does not genuinely apologize and does not make a true effort to change his/her vulgar, hateful, and ungracious behavior, if, of course, he/she has exhibited such toxic conduct.  This is not to say, for example, that we aren't allowed to take temporary breaks from people for other, various reasons who are actually  good at heart, but there are always those who are genuinely twisted and they'll never learn. 

Cut 'em out soon and cut 'em out quick!